Parents abused by their children are unlikely to reach out for help or even discuss their situation as parents often feel responsible for the abuse. However, abuse is never right and accepting abuse from an adult child and remaining passive helps no one.
Families with a history of abuse are often psychologically enmeshed and no one in that family has a clear understanding of where they end and another begins. Boundaries are the markers people need in order to treat one another with respect. Abuse is extreme disrespect and a family can’t function properly without mutual respect. enmeshed families are chaotic. as one person’s problem is everyone’s problem and emotional dramas play out sometimes, on a daily basis. Those who are viewed as the weakest in these family situations are likely to suffer the most abuse. Child abuse and elder abuse are at heart, the same problem as the weakest members of an enmeshed household are likely, to be targeted by stronger individuals in the family and abused as a way for those individuals to gain control in a family that functions as one person. The person who rises as the dominant controller may govern the family through manipulation, or emotional abuse, or psychological abuse, or physical abuse, and may combine two or more forms of abuse in trying to control the family dynamic.
We live in a dysfunctional world made up of millions of dysfunctional families. The only way to create a healthy societal structure is by building healthy families and healthy families have to be made up of healthy individuals. Survivors of child abuse or any kind of abuse will pass the problem on to the families they create if they don’t get help before hand. Many survivors are unaware of the importance of personal boundaries and don’t even know what they look like. Even if they refrain from committing the abuse that they endured upon another, they are likely to pull their children too close and create another enmeshed family situation. Even though these survivors don’t intentionally hurt their children, I believe, that one will emerge as the dominant controller who seeks to govern the family through some form of abuse. Abuse survivors are likely to also, experience elder abuse at the hands of one of their children. At this point, it may seem that it is too late but it is never too late to get help for yourself and for those you love.
It is never okay to abuse someone, not even if that person was abused, themselves. If your adult child is abusing you, you do that child no good by allowing them to hurt you. The level of abuse determines what action should be taken; but it is important to take action because elder abuse tends to increase as the parent becomes older and weaker. At the extreme end of the spectrum, it can even end in murder. If one’s life is in danger, then the law should be involved. However, most cases of elder abuse aren’t that extreme and getting help for your own abuse symptoms can be the starting point. When our children are grown, we can’t force them into counseling but if they are unhappy, it may be possible to coax them into counseling with the parent or into individual counseling. Being open about our own problems can help an adult child see that they do need help. As a victim of elder abuse at the hands of an adult child, it is important to begin putting those personal boundaries in place, to define yourself as an individual responsible for your own well-being and happiness; and begin to end the unhealthy enmeshing that plagues families with a history of abuse. Boundaries help create the kind of mutual respect that can bring abuse to an end.
It is important to treat children with respect if they are to learn to respect others. If a parent commits the crime of abuse against their child, they must take responsibility for their actions. This has to be done for the sake of the child and can’t be only a ploy seeking to stop a current elder abuse situation. It isn’t abuse when a grown child wants to talk about their childhood and how they were treated. It’s uncomfortable to hear and if a parent really cares about their child and has sorrow for the wrongs they committed, they must be willing to hear what their child has to say, as many times as they need to say it. Doing so demonstrates respect for the child and paves the way for them to begin respecting the parent.
If an adult child is an alcoholic or drug addict they may engage in abusive behavior that may have nothing to do with the family situation. A parent can contribute to this problem by enabling their child by giving them money or allowing them to live at home while doing nothing but imbibing the drug of their choice. Saying, “yes” can be the easy way out in the moment but it paves the way for elder abuse as the child’s substance abuse increases. Tough love isn’t easy but often, it is the right thing to do. It may not end in the way we want it to end but adult children must suffer the consequences for their actions or they will never truly, become adults. Good parents do what is good for their child even if it makes them unpopular with that child.
There is so much disrespect in our culture, today. We live in an environment of abuse and even the entertainment we enjoy, depicts abuse of the most extreme kind. Our children are bombarded from infancy, with images of violence and sexual objectification. A picture is said, to be worth a thousand words and I don’t know if any parent has enough good words to negate so many negative images. I do know, that because of this current toxic culture, we must try harder and then keep on trying to give our children a better view of themselves and others. The heroes in movies are often, the most violent of all. The culture is becoming more and more chaotic as people don’t recognize the personal boundaries that create an atmosphere of mutual respect. If this is to be corrected, it has to start at home. If you are currently the victim of elder abuse, and your child is purposely hurting you, don’t let shame keep you from getting the help you need, to end it. Shame is an expression of pride and sometimes, it is required to give up one’s pride in order to do what’s right for you, your child, and the society we, collectively, create.
My older son is 32 and I am 59 (Mother), he is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He has made bad choices since he was about 11 and blames me for everything. I was a single Mom since he was about 13. Recently he is starting to get physically abusive with me and verbally as well. I have a younger son who he is extremely jealous of and recently we had to call the police on him as he threatened his life and broke a door in the house I rent with another woman. When I was a lot younger I had a drug problem but I’m not responsible for his use. He talks about me to people telling them I’m a loser and that I use. I don’t do anything at all, I’m a Christian and my younger son is going to College just like my Daughter did. My son who is 32 had the same choices offered to him but chose a life of using and getting in trouble, he blames me. Yet I’m the only person who has ever been there for him. Today he grabbed me twice and said that I was crazy, that he didn’t grab me that hard and verbally abused me terrible. I started yelling for someone to help me and he told the men who came to see what was going on that I was a Heroin addict and insane. I can’t take it anymore I have health problems and my other son thinks we should file a restraining order as in Jan. he tried to hurt my other son, plus verbally abused my roommate and me too. He is homeless and I’ve tried in the past to help him but he always turns our home into a nightmare and verbally abuses me. I am on pain pills through a Doctor and have been totally honest with my Doctor. He looks at this as me using and tries to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong. We are afraid of him. I’m pass the point of letting him stay with us at all and he threatens suicide after we haven’t talked for a while on my voice mail. He’s really insane but says I’m the one who is. I don’t know who to turn to at this point. He needs help badly, but he doesn’t think so and he has been kicked out of so many places and lost so many jobs now. You would think he would realize it’s him not the world or me. He recently lost a girlfriend as he started verbally abusing her and hitting her too.
Laurie, I’m sad to hear that your home isn’t the safe place that it should be. People on drugs and alcohol usually, are insane. It is important for everyone involved to do whatever can be done to be safe. Eleven is young to start making bad choices and I can’t hold a child solely responsible in my own mind. I do know that even children growing up in the same household won’t have the same childhood. Their expriences will differ as will their relationship with their parents. I’ve found with my own children that what I remember as important differs from what my children remember as important. It sounds like your son needs help facing his past. Blame isn’t the right approach but everyone involved who wants to heal and also, preserve the relationship have to face that past, and problems, honestly. Right now though, safety has to be the top concern. Your son is an adult and there really isn’t anything you can force him to do. The boundary of safety is an important first step. I hope you are able to put an end to the violence and move forward from there.
Pam
Dear Pam, Thank you for your reply. I agree with you about your children even though having the same parent has a different experience. He is the middle child and had a very good childhood with no struggling financially and he actually was spoiled. My other children one who is 42 and happily married with a 3 year old daughter and my younger son who lives with me, goes to College and is a very together guy. The younger one is the one who had a different life as I was divorced and struggled to keep him in the same neighborhood and at good schools. My other two are really sweet together people. I don’t understand why he is the way he is and why I’m the target. I think like you, safely is my first priority. I will not rescue him any more as it always turns out the same, in fact now that he is violent as well as verbally abusive I know the best thing is to pray for him and do tough love. My other children, especially his brother want nothing to do with him. His brother is very scare of him and so am I. After this latest out burst I received a few calls of him harassing other people and he has a lot of people scared of him. I of course wish he would go into a rehab, but he has to realize that it’s not the world that’s messed up but him. As far as facing the past, we all have done that through therapy in the past, but he wouldn’t take part in it as every body else did. There are no secrets in our home, as secrets make you sick I think. It’s better to be honest. All I can do now is pray for him and hope he finds his way before he hurts himself or someone else. Thanks for caring! God Bless.
Laurie, My heart goes out to you. Read Ezekial 18 when you can. We are all individuals and we make our choices. Remember a good mom isn’t someone who raises a perfect child but one who loves here child no matter the foolish choices they make. When kids get lost in their poor choices and their sin, prayer is the best way to express that mother’s love. Parenting adult children is tough because it depends upon guidance without control. Drugs and alcohol turn good people into crazy people. When he reaches bottom and gets clean a completely different man is liely to emerge. Keep praying and trusting God with the outcome. Stay safe. There’s nothing better to do for a spoiled child than setting boundaries.
Love,
Pam
Dear Pam, Unfortunately he has hit several different bottoms, all of them rendering him homeless once again. Everybody including myself who has took him in ends up abused verbally and mentally. He has been in on rehab a couple of years ago and he was such a different person, but he got kicked out because he was doing the same thing to the people in the rehab plus stealing from them as well. I do wish him the best at this point and I pray for him everyday. This last rescue was the worst as this time he man handled me and I was scared for my life and safety. It seems like his addiction has taken him to a very dark place now and he is still blaming the world and me. It’s no fun being so scared of your own child (32). My younger son( 21 ) who he tried to attack in Jan. hates him. I wish he didn’t but the things he has said and done to him were pretty scary. Thanks for your advice. God Bless!!
Laurie, I have no real advice. I just share things that have worked in my life and what Jesus had led me through. I feel secure in advising you to stay close to God and do what He leads you, personally, to do. Some people have to go a very long way down before they will reach up for God. God pulled me out of the long dark well of addiction and I know He’s willing to do the same for your son. The hard part as a parent, is fully turning them over to God so they can find their true bottom and reach up for help. Breaks in important family relationships are so hard and we ladies want to keep the families we’ve created together. That break between your sons may not be permenent but when violence is involved, I think the break is imperitive. I hope you will read Ezekial 18. It is a passage that I’ve never heard preached but it should be preached often. It helped me a lot when my kids were going through their young adult years, making their own choices, and suffering consequences for the bad ones. We all make bad choices and our kids are no different. It takes time to figure things out and find sure footing in life. I know some never find that footing but look where you once were and where you are now and have hope for your son’s future. The culture we live in is toxic for children and young adults. The time we live in is tough and promises to get tougher. My hope is that if we aren’t so materially spoiled we won’t have so much time and money to invest in those things that poison our culture.–God bless you too, Laurie. When I pray for all the other hurting moms I know and their struggling young adult children, know you’ll be included.
Love,
Pam